Antebellum North Carolina
Sample Article and Assignment
from Session 5: Social and Relgious Movements in Antebellum North Carolina

Courtship and Marriage by Emily Thomas

North Carolina’s marriage and courtship practices during the antebellum period were much different from our contemporary dating and marriage patterns. Marriage was usually an economic proposition: it was not as much about love and romance as it was about property, wealth, and the continuation of the family name. Women looked upon the reciting of “I do’s” as their divine obligation to society and to God.

For a young southern woman, the courtship process was the proper avenue for choosing a future husband, and this practice was expected to begin at the close of adolescence. Parents were eager to marry off their daughters at a young age in order to prevent sexual immorality.

A prospective suitor first had to obtain permission from the head of the family before courting a young lady. The head, usually the father, would judge the man on his character and, most important, on his financial and social standing.

A father in antebellum North Carolina would have certainly not allowed his daughter to marry beneath her class. While this may seem callous and superficial to contemporary minds, the father was protecting his daughter from a life of poverty and destitution. A man was not looked upon as a possible suitor until he had built a strong financial foundation to adequately support a wife and family. As a result, the average age difference between married couples in the antebellum South was around six years

While vacationing at a summer resort in Nags Head in 1846, Dr. James Norcom, from Edenton, wrote his daughter a letter warning her against falling in love with a suitor who was beneath her social class:

I, my dear, could never never ratify such an engagement were you to make it. Everything, therefore, in relation to this matter, must be conditional. It cannot be positive; for, however a meritorious man may be, and how high-soever he might be in my opinion or esteem, I could not sanction his connexion [sic] with a daughter of mine, in “the Holy Estate,” with the prospect of poverty and wretchedness before her.

Conversely, it was highly important for suitors that a woman possess property and money to be given in the form of a marriage dowry from her father. A man from Caswell, writing in the Raleigh Register on October 12, 1809, pointed out the importance of property to suitors:

It is now become too much the fashion of the day that when a young man is about to get him a wife, the first inquiry he makes is, “Has such a young lady much property; how much land does she own and how many negroes?” If he is informed that she is rich but not pretty, he replies, “Let beauty be hanged; property is my object.”

The next step for a suitor was to call upon a young lady at her home. This stage of the budding relationship is similar to the modern practice of dating; however, in antebellum North Carolina, the process was much more structured. The couple would visit for a few hours in a parlor or on the front porch under the supervision of a trustworthy chaperone, such as an elderly relative or an enslaved person. Antebellum women were allowed to receive no more than two to three suitors during courtship. Popular courting activities outside the home included walking or riding through town and attending social functions such as barbecues, singing bees, or church services.

Young ladies also paraded the streets of town dressed in their finest clothing to take a glimpse at their suitors. According to a writer for the Western Carolinian who witnessed such an event on the streets of Salisbury, the women looked at the men “with a fixed and intent gaze,” but the writer states that he fended off these gazes by tilting his hat to one side.

Courting or engaged couples were not allowed to make any contact that might be construed as sexual. Overt actions were largely offensive to others and were avoided at all costs. Women used much guile to attract a husband, such as flirting or playing “hard to get.” However, a woman who entertained too many suitors or flirted too much was labeled a “coquette.”

Coquettes met their match in their male counterparts, known as “coxcombs”—men who entertained many women but never honored any of them with a marriage proposal. The brother of a southern antebellum lady (a coxcomb himself) warned his sister against his ilk in this letter from 1856:

Tender words are but uncertain signs of a tender heart. Flirtation is not courtship. All men are villains. Keep very shady as to your own feelings. Always try to draw the enemy out first. Mention casually that pistol shooting is a gift of your family and that your grown-up brothers are all crack shots and single men.

It is important to note that formal courting was the accepted practice of the gentry and planter classes in the antebellum South. However, the middle and lower classes did not follow this tradition as closely. Such is this example from an Arkansas man who took out an advertisement in the local newspaper in order to find a wife:

Any gal who got a bed, calico dress, coffee-pot and skillet, knows how to cut our britches, can make a hunting shirt, and knows how to take care of children can have my services till death parts both of us.

Following the courtship was the couple’s engagement. Our society’s current trend of long engagements was not the norm during antebellum times. Instead, engagements lasted for only two to three months in order to give the bride just enough time to prepare or make her wedding attire and accessories. Also, unlike modern tradition, no public announcement of the engagement through newspaper or social gathering was given. Brides-to-be in antebellum North Carolina did not wear a diamond ring but instead wore a simple gold band on the middle finger of the left hand.

The wedding ceremony was held in either the bride’s church or her home and was a very simple affair. The ceremony would be followed by parties or receptions for the couple. Depending upon the wealth of the couple, brides had one or more receptions that could last for one night or several days after the wedding to accommodate relatives traveling from afar.

Dr. James Norcom attended a relative’s wedding in 1818 and described the festivities that followed:

We have all been eating and drinking in very considerable style here for 5 or 6 days past in consequence of Jas. Horniblow’s marriage to Miss Eliza Brewer on the 15th. . . . On the 17th I gave the wedding party a dinner and tea at my house and tomorrow we shall have the scene repeated at Mrs. Horniblow’s; a few days afterwards at Mrs. Blounts on the sound; and about the close of the week we shall wind up at Mr. Jas. Wills’. I shall be heartily glad when the giddy round is ended; for it is far from being agreeable to me, and keeps my family in great confusion.

The tradition of the white wedding dress came into fashion during the latter part of the antebellum period. Queen Victoria of England was married in 1840 in a white gown with orange blossoms, and the trend caught on following her marriage. Many antebellum brides wore their finest dresses to the ceremony because they could not afford to wear a wedding dress only once. Often these dresses were brown, pink, or pale blue. However, it was the custom for bridesmaids to wear white dresses.

1832 wedding gown worn by Anne Ruffin Cameron.
Image courtesy of the North Carolina Museum of History.

The traditional honeymoon following the wedding was not taken by all couples in the antebellum period. Only the wealthy gentry and planter classes were able to afford wedding trips, and often the husband would conduct business while traveling with his new wife. Mary Norcott Bryan, a newly married woman from New Bern, took a two-month wedding trip with her husband, touring the southern cities of Mobile and Selma, Alabama, and New Orleans during the autumn of 1860.

Women in antebellum times saw marriage as the fulfillment of a divine law and a path they were destined to take. They were not seen as free citizens, for ownership was transferred from father to husband after the wedding ceremony. Divorce was rare. In Ante-Bellum North Carolina: A Social History, author Griffis Guion Johnson notes several causes of divorce: desertion to live with another, married while drunk, non-support and cruelty, and adultery.

Antebellum courtship and marriage patterns were indeed different from our contemporary notions of dating and marriage. Courtship formalities and boundaries placed on women are less obvious in our contemporary society, and women have greater control over their future, both socially and economically.

Assignments:
Complete one of the following assignments:

Option1:
The antebellum period in North Carolina was characterized by a variety of influential people and events. Explore three significant people or events not covered in this workshop by writing a brief paragraph explaining their contributions to the state.

Option 2: (Choose this option if you are seeking technology credits.)*
Visit two Web sites listed in this session and submit an evaluation based on the following:

Next, find two relevant Web sites not included in this session. Write an evaluation of these Web sites, addressing the following questions:

Option 3:
Based on what you have learned in this workshop, is the depiction of antebellum life in Gone with the Wind accurate? Why or why not? Your response should be at least one page in length.

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